so….

Posted: December 10, 2010 in All and Sundry

… so i’m trying to get used to the possibility of seeing you in school and dealing with the pain and anger and longing. what else is there to do but deal with all these confluence of emotions. i was relieved not to see you today when i was working in school. but after coming from my therapist, i went to school to meet grace and then i was smoking and talking to john when i saw you from the corner of my eye. just there standing and bowing your head while smoking. you covered your face with your hoodie. and i caught a glimpse of you. and i tried to so hard not to just scream. pero unsaon taman reality mana. dili na pwede nako daganan. kay sa tinuod lang naa man jud ka diri. so deal with it.

i know everything will get better soon. and all these will turn out to be a nightmare. but as of the moment, i feel like holding my breath the way one does underwater. if i could only just see the world underwater, no breath, just see it through the liquid blueness of it all, i might be able to understand everything. yes everything. Read the rest of this entry »

you are beautiful in gray

Posted: December 10, 2010 in All and Sundry

i saw you today wearing your gray knitted pullover and my heart skipped. i wanted to tell you right away that you look so good. you’ve always looked good wearing that. and i recalled all of a sudden that night you wore that knitted shirt. we went out to dinner with my friends and my cousin charlene. that was a good night, a good memory.

you are a beautiful, beautiful man in that shirt…

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Protected: you’re broken

Posted: December 7, 2010 in All and Sundry

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Protected: love rant number 1

Posted: December 7, 2010 in All and Sundry

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flurries, you, and dreams

Posted: December 6, 2010 in All and Sundry

flurries.

this morning when i woke up, i looked out the window, and i saw flurries, then i was reminded of you again. yes, again and again, since two nights ago you decided to end things with me. the sight of flurries reminded me of snow and you. my friends tell me you don’t OWN snow and that it will always snow in winter here in new york and i will have to get used to that. i am fully aware of that, i tell them. i guess i am dreading the possibility that it will always snow in new york, and every time it snows, i will always be reminded of you. snow and you are two words so totally unrelated for some but for me they are very interlinked.

i remember vividly those moments when you complain about the summer heat, how you couldn’t breathe. when fall came, you said you felt alive again. the cold makes you feel alive. chirpy even. and you sincerely look forward to snow in winter because you love snow. the vast whiteness covering an entire mountain. it was beautiful for you. just the beauty of nature–peaceful; for a moment there i thought you meant sublime. you asked me when was the first time i saw snow. i told you it was last year, yes for the first time. you giggled. “how did you feel when you first saw snow?”you asked. and i proceeded to tell you that i was reminded of that last paragraph from james joyce’s “the dead”:

‎”His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead.”

you’ve never read  “the dead” you say. so you insisted that i go on tell you concrete emotions. i said well that was my first reaction. i reacted with a memory of that line from “the dead,” and then i felt a mixture of sadness and hope.

it just occurred to me how vastly different we are. you were born in snow. i was born where there’s no snow and it is sunny all year.

the other monday, we were walking out in the streets after lunch, and i asked you: “tell me a story?” then you proceeded to sharing to me how you and your sister over the thanksgiving break decided to rent a villa somewhere in spain where your family can have a reunion. at that moment my heart sort of sunk because i didn’t know how to contribute to the conversation of renting villas and having trips to europe. the whole idea was so far removed from my reality. back where i come from people don’t even dream of renting villas because they know it is a reality they can’t have. it is even difficult to accept the reality that i am here in new york because we could never even imagine of making such dreasm come true. i guess,  that is how it is to live in developing countries. dreams are limited. dreams aren’t even free.

so maybe it is time to abandon my thoughts of you today. maybe it is time to stop thinking of you and snow as some dreadful memory of a pain i’m dealing with now. maybe it is time to think of you and snow as two beautiful things–unexplainably real.

seeing the good in others

Posted: December 6, 2010 in All and Sundry

i got this perfect message from someone i cherish:

you’ve done a lot of good karma in your life. you should let the good karma in.

avoid the bad karma around you.

you are kind. i’ve seen that in action gud. you always see the good in others. and you always give others the benefit of doubt. but sometimes some people are really just selfish and wants to suck all the goodness out of others

*if there is one thing I’m really not sorry about it’s my being kind and nice. And I won’t let anyone tell me that I’m too nice and I should be someone else, because I sure am happy knowing I have the capability of seeing the good in people. That for me is a rare trait in this jungle.