solitude

Sometimes I get really annoyed when people here in New York tell me to “get a life” or “to have my own life.” I mean seriously? I do have a life. Unlike some women I know, I don’t go out clubbing often, or go to the movies, or hang out drinking with friends, because I’m really not like that as a person. Even when I was living in Davao City, weekends for me was a time to relax away from work, that means going on a TV series or movie marathon for two days. Yes by myself–watching 4 to 5 movies in a row. I’m a couch potatoe that way. If I needed to drink, I’d go out to the nearest store, buy beer and drink with my friend John or N and some students. Sometimes, when I needed to work on a story at the media agency I am a part of, I’d spend the Saturday there, still alone in the computer room, and then later I’d probably spend a few hours in the night drinking with friends in the media at Matina Town Square. It’s only when I have to cover events or go on a travel assignment on weekends that I really do something outside of my usual routine–spending time alone at home watching movies.

Fridays for me was usually about sports and exercise. I’d run, swim, or climb the wall. But that’s about it. I love sports and it has always been a part of my life since childhood.

So there, I love being alone. I love staying at home. And in New York, I am no different. After school, I always have the urge to go home directly, the occasional exceptions would be if I have to meet my friend John, Tot, or Grace for movies or a few beers. But that’s about it. There  are rare times when my cousin Charlene and Mae would ask me out to dinner on Saturdays, or tour Queens Center Mall. But those times are few and far between. Most of the time, I’d end up saying “no” to an invitation just because I’d rather stay home in bed, lazily watching TV online. That’s me. Or yes, most of the time reading a book I’m pre-occupied with at the moment.

If I had my own library, I would be sitting there just riffling through books and writing down memorable passages from them.

I’m a bore for some people.  But for me, these moments I mentioned are the most relaxing moments of my life.

If ever I’m in a relationship, I’d compromise. I would start loving spending weekends with that person only because those will be happy moments of still, relaxation.  Because yes, if you like someone so much as to completely abandon your routines, then you’re on the right track. You are willing to change your world and let that person in. Change isn’t scary. Change is exciting. It is about taking risks, falling flat on your face along the way, but yet laughing in the process while tears trickle down your cheeks.

So there, despite that some people say I don’t like being alone, that I’m lonely, I still maintain that I am totally in love with my solitude. Those moments are precious. There might be times when I freak out and feel like I can’t live with my skin and body, but those are rare too.

This winter break might be a good chance to be alone in solitary happiness. I can’t wait!

note to self: i can do this!

i can do this! i have had a boy die in my arms before, blood streaming from his ears and nose, i’ve been stranded in the middle of a bay on a small motorized boat for 3 hours, i’ve ridden on top of rooves of buses speeding on mountain ranges of no man’s lands, among other harrowing experiences. this i can survive! i’m treating this as the adrenaline rush that i miss so much.

no one can deter me away from my mission. i will not get side-tracked again. never again.

snow… again

so i went out of the building today to smoke because i had to rest from editing video in the video room somewhere on the 8th floor (a perfect hideout during these stressful days of finals). when i was smoking and thinking of other ways to finish a 10-page paper due on wednesday, i suddenly noticed that it had started to snow. flurries raining down on my shoes. i had to heave a sigh because then i couldn’t stop myself from romanticizing this sight, scene of snowflakes falling on my feet–this beginning of an end.

you, i thought of you. again. how agonizing can this get? the only consolation is that i did find myself smiling down on my feet, white smoke coming out of my nostrils, because the thought of you made me smile. yes, for the first time, a happy memory crossed my mind of you telling me a story about your first contact with snow.

“can i use that as the beginning of my short story?” i remember saying that to you that night. you told me i can do whatever i want with it, then you kissed me, hugged me really tight, and stared at me, your blue eyes glinting in the darkness.

how can i delete the memory of you and snow? i don’t even have concrete memories of events. i just have this concept of you  and snow and you talking about snow.

i’ve always thought that this time winter will be different. and that when it finally snows, i’d smile with the assurance that life is getting better, that i have you, and that everything even if covered in winter whiteness won’t seem so sad and dreary.

i guess i was wrong.  i don’t have you, and judging from how life is turning out these days, i have no clue as to how winter will be like this year for me.

*ps: i’ve begun writing a script for a short film using snow as objective correlative. the story will be set in new york. i’m excited to do this project on january. well, i guess i know you don’t understand what objective correlative is but see, it has to deal with emotions. yes, something i’m sure you’re uncomfortable talking about.

kiss me, i’m shitfaced

Ironically, testosterone jerk-off music such as from the Dropkick Murphys, is good background soundtrack for dealing with a broken heart these days.

I’ve never thought all these masculine macho bullshit stuff would make me feel so much better. You don’t have to think while listening to their music because it’s all noise anyway. I’m tired of thinking and overanalyzing. Every time I wake up, I start listening to all these hysterical masculine noise and suddenly I find myself laughing out loud and then soon enough, standing back on my feet. So take that for stupid release.

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Migrante Filipina (intro)

“Migrante Filipina” a webseries about Filipina migrant narratives will be launched next week with a pilot episode titled “Island Goddess: From Camiguin to Brooklyn.”  (this is a final project for the course on Producing Webisodes)

Migrante Filipina is not just a nonfiction webseries about Filipina women’s migrant narratives of nostalgia and diaspora, but more about human beings inherently being migratory subjects having the natural desire to move and get underway; taking risks, forming uncommon bonds, and dreaming of making it big while laughing along the way. It is about finding home in the most uncanny, sometimes cruel city as the Big Apple, while still facing the demands of having to look back and remember the home one has left behind.

Provides glimpses of the lives of these Filipino women—their exilic narratives, stories of love and betrayal, of defining identities, of the search for fulfillment, of creating interracial relationships, and everything in between.

I still maintain….

that I’m in love with you. But I will have to let you go.

I wish I could do it so fast. Rush on. Let go like when you drop a pebble into the river–you open your palm, and the pebble falls fast into the water, gravity at its best, it falls deep on the river floor and never floats back up to the surface.

But you are not that pebble. I am letting you go slowly like dropping a paper boat onto the river, and it floats, and I watch it get carried away by the current. Drifting away. Drifting steadily away from me.

This baffles me.

I can’t for the life of me understand why erasure is not possible. I want to let you go now. I love you but I want to let you go. You are an open wound festering. I refuse to deal with you. But I have to. Because you are still in the corners of my heart, just on the edges of reason.

I still maintain that I love you. But indeed, I will have to let you go. It is in fact the perfect decision for my sanity’s sake. And also for our sakes. We shall move on with the current. Drift, drift away. Maybe with some distance everything will be clearer.